dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
