toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
