I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Randomize
