That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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