You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
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The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Are we still banned from the library?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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