dude i'm inner monologue high
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize