I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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