my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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