I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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