Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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