I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
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