It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
