you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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