Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
