I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
