How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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