I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
