i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
