I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
