I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
