I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
