Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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