if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
