So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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