she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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