I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
