Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
