I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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