dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
