whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
