My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
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