just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
