Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.