Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
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So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
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And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.