what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?