I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
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and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
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No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.