i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
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America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
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Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?