Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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