don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize