You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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