According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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