Do you still have your period?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
you traded sex for a burrito?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
