our cab driver is having phone sex.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize