so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
