I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
