thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
