i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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