Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
