I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
