Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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