He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
