I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
