Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
