I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
he high fived his dick after we had sex
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
