So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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