My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
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I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
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Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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