What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
