why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
