I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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