How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
