I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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