I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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