Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
